An original BURRITO tale of WHOA!
Once upon a time in the Dark Ages lived a small peasant man by the name of Urnsus. Urnsus was an unhappy little peasant. And why was he unhappy? It is all because of a beautiful girl and a horse.
Urnsus, or “Urnie” as his friend used to call him before his friend stopped being his friend, lived on the southern side of a very small village comprised of only fifteen households. These fifteen households were all clumped together. All save for Urnie’s, which was located to the far south side.*
* Or, rather, relocated. It may be good to note here that Urnie had very bad body odor due to his refusal to bathe, which is why his house is so far south; south being downwind.*1/2
*1/2 It is also good to note that Urnie’s house was not always located far south but rather moved there by the other villagers. One stone at a time. As he slept. This is how bad Urnie stunk, even by Dark Ages standards.
One fine cloudy and wet European Dark Ages day – that is to say, a day like every other day – Urnie decided to go for a walk.** This day Urnie decided to curse a dandelion. “Thou art such an inept quazi flower weed!” yelled Urnie. “If only I had a proper boot to stomp you out!”***
** It is good to note that Urnie yells at things as he walks. He is not a loon by any stretch of the imagination, but rather just angry at everything.
*** Urnie wore not boots at all, you see, but rather stones with a bit of ragweed to hold them to his calloused, most-certainly odious feet. Once finished with the dandelion, he continued from plant to plant, insect to insect cursing. Urnie spent a lot of time on walks as such. He and his rock-clad feet.
Then, lo, in the distance came the whinny of a horse.**** This horse in the distance was not a horse Urnie had ever punched, though he desired to resolve this inconsistency.***** This new and, if Urnie had his way, soon-to-be-punched horse was mounted by a gorgeous, blonde haired young woman with a straight nose and piercing blue eyes.*x6
**** It is good to note that Urnie also had a special hatred for horses.****1/2
****1/2 Once a stranger came to town on a gallant white steed. Urnie asked the man, “What dost thou wantest, thou dolt?” The man did not reply partly because he felt such a comment does not deserve an answer but mostly because he had his nose and mouth covered from the stench of Urnie.****1/4 When the man didn’t answer, Urnie punched the horse as hard as he could.****1/8 So Urnie’s hand was permanently disfigured from the broken bones.****1/16 That was three parts of a Dark Age ago.****1/32
****1/4 Also it is good to note that Urnie was continually followed by a pack of large flies because of the aforementioned stink.
****1/8 It is good to note that Urnie was a boxer before he became a hermit peasant and he had a powerful fist. Yet the horse had a powerful jaw and Urnie broke three bones in his hand that day.
****1/16 It is good to note that the local physician would not treat Urnie because he never paid and also Urnie made everything unsanitary.
****1/32 That’s what they called years in the Dark Ages because they couldn’t read the word “years” on their calendars.
***** It is good to note that the gallant white steed was a mute horse and, even though the owner had been working on getting the horse to make noises, Urnie’s punch only set progress in that area back.
*x6 It is good to note that Urnie didn’t like women.*x6.5 But this was a fact that usually didn’t cause a problem because women didn’t like him either so they stayed far away. *x6.5
*x6.5 Especially blonde ones with straight noses and blue eyes.
The woman, unfamiliar with Urnie, approached him. “Dost thou know where a maiden can bathe?” asked the beautiful young woman. Urnie didn’t answer, though. He was too busy trying to figure out how to punch the horse without breaking his hand again.*x7 “Excuse me, kind sir, please answer my question.” Urnie realized this woman was talking to him and, when he looked up, he suddenly realized her beauty. At this point, Urnie had a sudden change of heart. He saw beauty in this woman’s face. This led him to see beauty in her horse.*x8
*x7 It is good to note that Urnie had DAADD.*x7.5 Thus, he was soon relaying his words of curse to a praying mantis.
*x7.5 Dark Ages Attention Deficit Disorder
*x8 Then he started seeing beauty even in the praying mantis. Even as the praying mantis was eating her mate.
“Me lady! Thou art beautiful!” remarked Urnie. Deep inside he felt his heart opening up and as his heart opened up, his nostrils opened up, too.*x9 “Yikes! I stinketh!” exclaimed Urnie. In that moment, Urnie knew why people didn’t like him: his odor, his attitude, and his violent nature.
*x9 It is good to note that Urnie’s nostrils had been sealed with dirt and crud for many years now and the improved circulation helped jog this junk out. Two large brown chunks of crud fell from his nose to the ground.
The woman, who was already quite upset in the stomach from Urnie’s stench, wretched inwardly in a delicate way that only the fairest of maidens can manage when she did see the brown crud balls fall from Urnie’s nose.*x10 “Never ye mind,” the lovely lady said and she rode away.
*x10 See note *x9
Urnie, now with the knowledge of his shortcomings, was no longer mad. He was sad. He was sad for all the people he had hurt like his old friend and anyone else who ever tried to talk to him. He was sad because he stunk so much. And now he was truly sad that he would never take the lovely young blonde lady on the horse to the local tavern for a pint.*x11
*x11 Especially with pints being on sale this day.*x11.5
*x11.5 It is good to note that Urnie appreciates good deals.
Urnie thought he was unhappy before, but now that he knew he was unhappy and why, he was more-so unhappy. Oh, if only he didn’t know how unhappy he was, then he could go back to being only regular unhappy! Things don’t work out like that, though, so Urnie resolved to change his ways.
Urnie now bathes regularly and is currently taking a course on making friends. The doctor said his hand is too far gone and the bones would have to be broken again and re-set properly to fix it. This made Urnie even more unhappy, especially when he realized that, without his violent urges, somebody else would have to do the breaking. But he’s doing better.
And what of the woman on the horse? She never came back.*x12
*x12 It is good to note that she would not have been a good mate for Urnie because she doesn’t like guys with beards.*x12.5
*x12.5 It is good to note that Urnie had a beard. Not a real one, for he couldn’t grow one, but a tattoo of one so he would never be able to shave it even if he wanted to.
The end.
(From BURRITO Issue 15, Written by Jason Salas and Trevor Hodgkins, Illustrated by Jason Salas)
